"Hey, what semester are you?" "Hey, which course are you from?" "Hey, How old are you?" "Hey,...."
The never-ending introduction!! I hate it. As an introvert, I despise it. But its starting to feel like a lifeline of my social conscience. Currently, I'm studying 400 kilometres away from home. In this little zone is where I'm trying my best to earn my Bachelors Degree and possibly First Class. Because if not, why do I even bother?
My days are simple. I woke up, had my breakfast and morning shit (if I'm lucky), study maybe watch movie marathon if I don't have class, watch Youtube, eat sleep and that is basically it. No social life, none.
I was never a pusher. I didn't push people away. I mean, every semester I went through all of those introductions for so many people sitting next to me in class and that is all the social conversation I had and will ever get. It was always for group work, helping out people in need and it was never personal for me. It sucks. It makes me feel I'm all alone in these pile hole group of people who basically knew each other except me. Sometimes I thought I got this energy of pushing people away. No, I KNOW I have that kind of energy of pushing people far far away because every time I made an effort, they didn't stay and forget about me. If they stayed, there's always something personal that makes them feel I no longer mattered such as they got offended or I don't know, maybe I have a bad vibe in me or something.
With all of that happening, I have this attitude of not wanting to waste my time on something that is not important, such as hanging out, small unimportant talks, stuff like that. I never made an effort to go out during my free time. I have always filled it with homework, activities I had to go or for my family. I'm not surprised, my lifestyle, destiny has always hit me with a series of failed friendships and I never cured it. I just get used to it.
Which is why it is hard for me here all alone, with all the time in the world. I remembered throwing up during my first semester at some point in my life I was feeling helplessly unsick, just tired of being trapped.
I'm a big fan of Episode apps. Because that is the only social situation I'll ever gonna get, which is sad but irritating at the same time. I often read the stories for tips how to deal with social life as an introvert. But there's no cure or even a situation stating that "introvert, go talk. You can do it". There are only introverts facing their time alone with books or a walk to the library, or there will be some crazy extrovert comes and force you to go out where you miraculously find your soulmate. It is bullshit!!
This bad vibe, a lonely girl trapped in this little haunted room is eating me alive.
It all started when I once was in high school. I was a popular girl sitting at the centre of my class where all of the boys surrounded me making jokes and conversation which I fitted well. I even invited a lonely girl friend over as well. Not only that, I came up to this one boy who doesn't join, even force him to join the fun. It changed when I had to move to Rawang. The darkest 2 years of my life, where my appearance was too clean and saint-like to their clouded minds and cheap looks. I made some friends though. But in the end, she backstabbed me and ignored me all of a sudden, in the perfect time too because I was moving away back to Bukit Jelutong. I thought it would be fine, but that drama traumatized me and left me scarred because I became quiet after that. This isn't the first time a girl friend treated me like shit. Throughout my life, I always had one girl best friend left me even by forced. After my best friend died it shut me up. She was the most beautiful person I have ever met. She died when I finished my Diploma. That was the last time I ever tried to be close to someone.
So, I turned to boys. My last line of defence! I've always comfortable around boys. Boys are fun to be with. No drama, they can make stupid jokes and I really enjoyed their company. It's best when they thought I liked them. Then I get these awesome presents. But the best ones are where they treat me like I'm their little sister. Then they'd give me lunch money or talk to them about boys problems. In every school I'm in, (which is enough and a huge contributing factor to my introvert behaviour), there's this always a guy who thought he had the chance, the protective brother, the clown who knew he had no chance but tried anyways, and the guy who just so happens to be there. Anywhere I go, I will always have these guys. It's fun. Until I met my husband of course. Which basically shut all possible chances in my social life, for which came this moment, right now, writing this damn post to fill my time.
So yeah. It's hard being an introvert. The unlucky introvert. There are no extrovert friends to the rescue, no first chance of meeting someone I could live with here, or even have lunch with every day (because I missed the orientation week) and a husband, who's allergic to boys near me somehow. You know the posts where alone time is important, they even invented an umbrella who had a barrier installed around you because it wasn't meant for rain, it was for people. For whereas I am here, hoping for a social magnet.
Do you have the so-called cure?
